3cubed

Sunday, July 10, 2005

 
Another failed attempt to escape Jacksonville

As far back as I can remember, I've been plotting my escape from my birthplace, hometown, prison, whatever you want to call it. As a teenager, of course, I dreamed of going away for college. However, upon graduation, my father informed me to get a job and not to expect any help from him to go to college. People like us worked, he said. It didn't help that I had a complete ass for a boyfriend at the time, who for some reason I did not want to leave. In retrospect, I should have RUN, but that's another story.

In my early 20's me and above mentioned complete ass, discussed moving to the Pacific Northwest. Fortunately, we broke up before that ever happened.

In my mid 20's, my friend Lisa moved to Chicago, so the plan then became to join her there. The timing was perfect. My company had just announced it was going out of business and offered anyone who stayed until they closed down a nice "Sunset" package for staying until the end. My lease would also be up around the same time, and I would have a nice sum of money to move and live off until I found a job. THEN, three months before I was to leave, I met Bobby. It was just enough time for me to fall in love and not yet realize how bad he was for me, so I stayed.

Then came pregnancy, marriage, and a baby (yes in that order). Bobby already had a son who lived here and I knew he would never move away from him. I resigned myself to remaining in J'ville for the next 20 to life.

Then came divorce and return to the nest and to school to finish my Bachelor's degree. My next attempt to flee became graduate school. I would go away to school after all! Take that dad! I applied to six different schools, in five different states, none of them Florida. Alas, I was rejected by all.

Now I should take time to explain something about myself as a person. Although certainly not a religious person, I do believe that things happen for a reason. It has been my experience in life that this is so. Therefore, spiritually, it is my nature to take these rejections as a "sign" that I shouldn't move away, not at that particular time anyway. However, on the other hand, psychologically, I believe in an internal locus of control. That is that people control their own destiny by the decisions they make in life. Yes I know, quite contradictory, how very Piscean of me, but I just can't accept the alternative, external locus of control view, in which no personal actions or decisions matter because it's all pre-determined or relies on fate. I mean, if that's the case, I might as well stay in bed all day everyday, right?

Considering that I am a recent graduate of psychology, I decided to go with logic and create my own destiny. I packed up and moved to Orlando and in with my sister. This plan being that I would get a job for a while then apply to the Master's program at UCF.

I'm just now realizing that might not have been the right thing to do. I've been here for about two months now, and still haven't found a job. It doesn't really feel any different than Jax. Just more traffic, a different layout, and better restaurants. I miss my family and my friends much more than I thought I would, especially Will. The distance has created a new dynamic in our already complex relationship, or made us realize things we hadn't before, or something. But that also is another story.

So, what is the new plan, you ask? I have decided to return to Jacksonville. I applied for my teaching certificate last week. Because of my psychology degree, I'm qualified to teach Social Studies. I know...don't ask how they think a Psych degree qualifies one to teach history and such, I don't know squat about the subject. Scary huh? But I would much rather teach English, so I'm going to take the subject test and get certified to teach that. I would like to teach high school level, but I guess it depends on the needs of the district and stuff, so we'll see. It definitely won't be elementary, you have to be an education major to teach that. So it will either be middle or high school.

I still plan on going back to get my Master's but probably at UNF. And if I like teaching, I may pursue the school counseling track and become a guidance counselor. And what about leaving Jacksonville, you ask? Will I be doomed to wander the streets of J'ville for all eternity looking for something new and exciting that just isn't there? Well, Will's plan is to move to Oregon after he finishes law school and he wants me and Maggie to come with him. So that's the tentative new plan. Will it actually come to fruition this time? We'll have to wait and see what kind of "signs" I get and what-not.
Tina 6:32 AM