3cubed

Sunday, July 10, 2005

 
Another failed attempt to escape Jacksonville

As far back as I can remember, I've been plotting my escape from my birthplace, hometown, prison, whatever you want to call it. As a teenager, of course, I dreamed of going away for college. However, upon graduation, my father informed me to get a job and not to expect any help from him to go to college. People like us worked, he said. It didn't help that I had a complete ass for a boyfriend at the time, who for some reason I did not want to leave. In retrospect, I should have RUN, but that's another story.

In my early 20's me and above mentioned complete ass, discussed moving to the Pacific Northwest. Fortunately, we broke up before that ever happened.

In my mid 20's, my friend Lisa moved to Chicago, so the plan then became to join her there. The timing was perfect. My company had just announced it was going out of business and offered anyone who stayed until they closed down a nice "Sunset" package for staying until the end. My lease would also be up around the same time, and I would have a nice sum of money to move and live off until I found a job. THEN, three months before I was to leave, I met Bobby. It was just enough time for me to fall in love and not yet realize how bad he was for me, so I stayed.

Then came pregnancy, marriage, and a baby (yes in that order). Bobby already had a son who lived here and I knew he would never move away from him. I resigned myself to remaining in J'ville for the next 20 to life.

Then came divorce and return to the nest and to school to finish my Bachelor's degree. My next attempt to flee became graduate school. I would go away to school after all! Take that dad! I applied to six different schools, in five different states, none of them Florida. Alas, I was rejected by all.

Now I should take time to explain something about myself as a person. Although certainly not a religious person, I do believe that things happen for a reason. It has been my experience in life that this is so. Therefore, spiritually, it is my nature to take these rejections as a "sign" that I shouldn't move away, not at that particular time anyway. However, on the other hand, psychologically, I believe in an internal locus of control. That is that people control their own destiny by the decisions they make in life. Yes I know, quite contradictory, how very Piscean of me, but I just can't accept the alternative, external locus of control view, in which no personal actions or decisions matter because it's all pre-determined or relies on fate. I mean, if that's the case, I might as well stay in bed all day everyday, right?

Considering that I am a recent graduate of psychology, I decided to go with logic and create my own destiny. I packed up and moved to Orlando and in with my sister. This plan being that I would get a job for a while then apply to the Master's program at UCF.

I'm just now realizing that might not have been the right thing to do. I've been here for about two months now, and still haven't found a job. It doesn't really feel any different than Jax. Just more traffic, a different layout, and better restaurants. I miss my family and my friends much more than I thought I would, especially Will. The distance has created a new dynamic in our already complex relationship, or made us realize things we hadn't before, or something. But that also is another story.

So, what is the new plan, you ask? I have decided to return to Jacksonville. I applied for my teaching certificate last week. Because of my psychology degree, I'm qualified to teach Social Studies. I know...don't ask how they think a Psych degree qualifies one to teach history and such, I don't know squat about the subject. Scary huh? But I would much rather teach English, so I'm going to take the subject test and get certified to teach that. I would like to teach high school level, but I guess it depends on the needs of the district and stuff, so we'll see. It definitely won't be elementary, you have to be an education major to teach that. So it will either be middle or high school.

I still plan on going back to get my Master's but probably at UNF. And if I like teaching, I may pursue the school counseling track and become a guidance counselor. And what about leaving Jacksonville, you ask? Will I be doomed to wander the streets of J'ville for all eternity looking for something new and exciting that just isn't there? Well, Will's plan is to move to Oregon after he finishes law school and he wants me and Maggie to come with him. So that's the tentative new plan. Will it actually come to fruition this time? We'll have to wait and see what kind of "signs" I get and what-not.
Tina (0) comments 6:32 AM

Sunday, March 06, 2005

 
The end of an institution...

Tonight was my friend Alan's last night DJing at The Art Bar. So sad. It goes way back to the Moto Lounge days, almost 10 years ago. There used to be a really cool bar called the Moto Lounge, which coincidently is where I met Bobby (my ex-husband & baby's daddy), he worked the door & sometimes bartended there. That was when I lived with Chuck & Willis, and we used to go up there every Saturday night (we actually went every Tuesday & Thursday too, but that's irrelevant to this story) because our friend Alan was the DJ on that night & we went to support him & plus he played the coolest music. When Moto Lounge closed down, The Art Bar opened soon after, but that was in 1999, which was the year Maggie was born, so I didn't go those first couple of years it opened. But, when Art Bar opened, pretty much the same crowd that used to frequent the Moto Lounge just transferred there, along with Alan on Saturday nights.

Saturday night at the Art Bar was just a dependable thing. You knew you were going to hear great music, some old, some new, some obscure, but all good. For example on any given Sat. night you might hear: Weezer, The Smiths, Beastie Boys, Rolling Stones, Pixies, Public Enemy, Elvis, Juliana Hatfield, The Strokes, Dandy Warhols, Coldplay, The Killers, Prince, Men Without Hats, Quiet Riot, Tom Petty, The Charlatans, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Built to Spill, Franz Ferdinand, Missy Elliott, Matthew Sweet...so you see, a good mix and variety and all danceable. It is the only place in town that plays music that I actually like to dance to. I can't stand that top 40 crap and that seems to be what the majority of the clubs in Jax. play, well besides country, which I hate even more than top 40.

But now that is all coming to an end. Alan decided to retire from DJing, it was restricting his free time since he has a regular job during the week, plus he and his wife are trying to have a baby. They are replacing Alan with some DJ that plays hip hop :( Not only will I miss him & the music he played, but the whole crowd of people that go there on Sat. will now change. I stopped being a Sat. night regular a year or so ago, but when I did go on occasion, I could be sure to see the same people that are always there, catch up with old friends, often running into people that I went to high school with and haven't seen in years. When I think about moving away to go to school and coming back to visit my family, I always envision being able to drop in at the Art Bar while I'm home to re-live my Jacksonville days.

This whole thing is bittersweet to me. It's something that won't be here when I come back, but also something that I now, won't be leaving behind.
Tina (1) comments 2:20 AM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

 
Song of the day: Seal - Kiss From a Rose (as sung by Constatine)

Movie quote of the day:

Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.
~ Wizard of Oz

I've been seeing a counselor at school for my depression. I like talking to someone objective about my issues, it's very helpful. I went to the doctor at the health clinic on campus to see if I could get a prescription for anti-depressants but because I'm already on Luvox for my OCD, he said I really need to see a psychiatrist. Apparently it's dangerous to mix psychotropic drugs, so I need a specialist for that. My new insurance kicks in March 1st, so I have an appointment to see my new doctor next week & then I'll try to get a referrrel.
Tina (0) comments 7:44 PM

 
I think Constantine Maroulis just may be the sexiest man alive. I'm obsessed. My life is now planned around American Idol.






Tina (1) comments 2:27 AM

Monday, January 24, 2005

 
Song of the day: Cat Stevens - Wild World

Movie quote of the day:

Maxine: It's really quite something to see you all grown-up like this, Enid. I'd love to know what you're doing now. I can't help but feel I had some small part in how you turned out. What're you studying? You were always such a smart little girl.
Enid: I'm taking a remedial high school art class for fuck-ups and retards.
--Ghost World

I went to Angela's today because she was having a get together to watch the football games that were on today. I think they were play offs? Obviously I know little about football, but anyway they were the games to decide who goes to the superbowl which is being hosted by our wonderful ::insert snicker:: city this year. If I had known that at football parties that everyone mostly stands around and talks, eats, and drinks and don't really watch the game, I would have started going to these things a long time ago. Anyway, when I got there, Melissa and Kim (who are the people whose Halloween party I went to and got drunk and sprained my knee) introduce me to this guy they brought with them and he says that we met at the Halloween party, which of course I have no recollection of, and when I gave him a puzzled look he said, "Yeah you were the girl that kept falling down." Great, what a nice way to be remembered.

Melissa and Kim are a lesbian couple and they're pretty open and affectionate towards each other, such as holding hands and putting their arms around each other. A couple of people brought their kids with them to Angela's today, so Kim and Melissa were trying to be conscious about not holding hands & stuff in front of them. I asked them why because it's not like they're making out in front of children, they're just holding hands. And they said because they were afraid parents would be weird about it, not wanting their kids exposed to homosexuality or whatever. I was like fuck them. That's life and it's healthy for children to be exposed to different lifestyles. I told them if they were ever around my daughter to please not alter their behavior. I want her to accept diversity and realize there's nothing "wrong" with someone just because they're different from the "norm" or the majority. Kim said that it was people like me who would change the world because when other kids come up to my daughter on the playground and say "Ew, that person is a lesbain." My daughter's response will be, "So?". Yay me!

I have come to the realization that I am depressed. I've been feeling this way for weeks but I was hoping I would snap out of it, especially when school started back up, but it's just not happening. I am so lethargic, I don't want to do anything but sleep and lay on the couch in my pajamas and watch TV. Oh and eat. Food is good. I've gained back all the weight I lost year before last, plus more. I know exercise would be good for both problems, but I can't even get motivated to do anything at all, much less something that requires that much energy. I just got approved for medicare last week, so now that I have some insurance coverage, I will make it a priority to find a doctor and make an appointment. Hopefully I can find a medication that will jump start me and once I'm feeling better I can start exercising and participating in activities that will make me feel better then I can wean off of it. Or maybe increasing my Luvox (for my OCD) would do it since it is also a mild anti-depressant.

I wish I could find some form of exercise that I enjoy. I know that is the key to maintaining an exercise program, but I can't think of a thing. I have never liked sports, I'm hopelessly uncoordinated. The gym is so blah, just boring and a bother and time consuming to get there and change, work out and shower, etc. Bike riding also I just have no interest in. I used to like to go for walks when I lived at the beach, but my neighborhood now sucks. We live in the 'hood. I'd be scared to walk around here. The people I do see walking around carry sticks with them to ward off stray dogs. Plus now that I messed up my knee, it hurts even when I walk around the mall now. Yoga is something that I used to enjoy, but that's expensive, and again with the knee thing, I'm not sure if I could do a lot of the poses.

Maggie has her first loose tooth. I can't believe it. She showed me and totally freaked me out. She's very mature and independent for her age, and so articulate, sometimes I forget how young she is, but at the same time, she's my little baby and I can't imagine her growing up.
Tina (1) comments 1:11 AM

Friday, January 14, 2005

 
Song of the day: Head On - Jesus & Mary Chain

Movie Quote of the day:
Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
--Clerks

I'm a little irritated by something Will told me yesterday. But I guess I have to back up a little bit before I relay what that was. About a week before Christmas he told me that he was going to break up with Fatass. When I asked why, he said because she was crazy and insecure. Duh! Anyway he said it would be mean to do it during the holidays so he was going to wait until sometime after Christmas to do it. Apparently the whole thing about her being cool with us hanging out and stuff was an act. She was really possessive and bitchy about the whole thing. Not to say I told you so, but...Anyway he broke up with her the day after Christmas. His aunt said she took it hard, missed a couple days of work & stuff. Damn, they only dated for like a month and a half. I don't think I missed a day of work when I left my husband. She was crazy!

Ok on to what I was talking about in the first place. Will was at his aunt & uncle's house on Sat. night (he goes there almost every Sat. night to hang out, drink & their kids are the same age, so they play & stuff) and Fatass came over. That was bound to happen sooner or later since she's his aunt's best friend. Anyway he said it went ok, but that at some point she said, "You know, Tina has a lot of control over you." He said that I didn't and she said yes I did, and he said that I didn't have any more control than any of his other friends, so she said, "Well I guess all your friends control you then." What-the-fuck-ever! Dumb bitch trying to blame me for their break-up. Doesn't she know that if I controlled him he never would have dated her stupid ass in the first place? Anyway, Will was like, uh no you're the one who tried to control me, that's why we're not together anymore.

So Bobby and I have been getting along really well lately. We've settled into a pretty good friendship. He doesn't whine about how much he misses & loves me anymore, so I don't mind talking to him. He still a sorry junkie who doesn't pay child support though. He also lost his job. He gave me some story about writing Twas the Night Before Christmas in Ebonics on the envelope that he turned in with the night's receipts in it. It was meant for only his manager to see, who would've thought it was funny, but it fell into the owner's hands. Sounds like a typical Bobby thing to do, but he was probably messing up for a while for them to fire him over something like that.
Tina (2) comments 1:15 AM

Thursday, January 13, 2005

 
This is what color I am:

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Tina (0) comments 9:48 PM